I wonder why

I am often amazed, befuddled, perplexed, flabbergasted, annoyed, etc. over some of the crazy things my kids do.  Things that make absolutely no sense to me because they're obviously messy, destructive, will get them in trouble, silly or dumb.  I'm often left shaking my head and wondering why they do the things they do.  Is it just to annoy me?  Do they like getting in trouble?  Do they just not care?  Why?  There are days when I let it get to me way more than it should.  I let it  interfere with life and cause more grief than it's worth.  And that affects every one's mood and can be damaging to our relationships.  It's stupid.  And then I have a moment like I did today.  A moment that was like getting smacked in the head with a 2x4 and made me say, "duh, Christa!  You need to let some stuff go". 

I was cleaning off and out my toaster.  As I was dumping the crumbs out of it, I remembered a "brilliant" idea I had about 30 years ago.  Something that made perfect sense to me at the time.  It just came to me one day as I was buttering a piece of toast.  A real light bulb moment.  I thought to myself, "it would be so much better if I buttered the bread before I put it in the toaster then I won't burn my fingers doing it after".  And so began a rather long period of pre-buttering bread before it was toasted.  A period in which my mom often wondered why the toaster smelled so funny and wasn't working very well.  I didn't tell her I knew why and I remember thinking I was so clever and such a gourmet cook.  I also remember getting my cousins to try it and swearing that they would never make toast the dumb normal way again. 

Eventually, my brilliant idea ruined the toaster and when my mom found out why, she was pretty irritated.  But...I don't remember getting in too much trouble for it and I think it was because she knew I was just a kid.  I didn't know any better.  And that's what I remembered today.  It made me sad because all too often, I don't let things like a kid pre-buttering their bread roll off my shoulders because they're just kids.  I get mad.  My kids don't do the silly things they do to be destructive, or even to annoy me.  They do the things they do because they're just kids right now.  They're going to do silly things and I need to learn that's just fine.  They're going to grow up and stop doing the silly things they do now.  And eventually, like maybe 30 years down the road when they have their own kids, they'll remember the dumb stuff they did and realize they need to not be so hard on them.  I know this, because it's the conclusion I came to today.   

The Change

I've been feeling kind of crappy (health wise) for most of this year due to "girl" problems.  I finally went to my doctor in October because I was fed up with them and wanted to fix them.  He thought my problems might be due to the fact my IUD was due to be removed.  So, he removed it and said he thought things would be great and if they weren't, I was coming back for my annual in a few weeks and we would investigate further then.  Removing the IUD didn't solve anything.  The problem continued.

I had my annual exam on November 15th and he found that my problems may not have been caused by the IUD.  Great.  Some funky things were going on and so, I had an ultrasound on the 19th.  It turns out I have uterine fibroids.  One rather big one, for sure.  It's located in place that would make it very difficult to remove the fibroid alone and there's also no guarantee I won't get more.  So, he recommended a hysterectomy.  It's been scheduled and I'm having it done on December 19th.  I'm not upset about it, but I am irritated at the timing.  A hysterectomy wasn't something I wanted for Christmas.  :)  I'm also irritated because we have really crappy insurance.  Unfortunately, if I didn't do it then, I would have to wait until the end of January because of his schedule.  We'll have different insurance starting January 1st, but the cost really won't be different.  It will be slightly less crappy, but we'll still have to pay quite a bit out of pocket.  So, the financial reason of waiting is really kind of a moot point.  The fibroids are by no means life threatening, but they are life altering because of all the annoying problems they cause.  (I won't bore or disgust you with the details.)  So, what it came down to was would I rather feel better in 3 weeks (I scheduled last week), or would I rather feel better in 2 months.  I decided the obvious answer was to feel better sooner rather than later.

A hysterectomy really is the best choice for me, too.  The only reason we would go the route of simply trying to remove the fibroid, would be to try to preserve fertility by keeping the uterus.  Well, I retired my uterus in March 2011 by having my tubes tied when I had my bladder correction surgery.  If it was gone, it wouldn't be a bad thing.  ☺  (By the way, my uterus was totally clear then and so that means I went from nothing to this in just a year and a half.)  So, I will be spending my Christmas break lounging in bed and being pampered by my family.  You know, maybe that won't be such a bad Christmas present after all.  ☺

 

30 Days of Thankfulness & What I've Learned (So far)

   I posted on facebook something I was grateful for everyday during November.  (This is last year's list.)  Doing it is such a great exercise.  It gives me perspective.  It gives me hope.  It reminds me of how blessed I am.  Just like last year, some of the things are silly and most are very specific to that particular day.  So, here's my list for 2012:

• November 1st:  I'm thankful for Tylenol P.M.
• November 2nd:  I'm thankful for the beautiful colors of Fall.
• November 3rd:  I'm thankful for hobbies.  Especially when they can distract my racing mind. 
• November 4th:  I'm thankful for the "extra hour" I have today.  It's making me feel like I'm getting everything done early.
• November 5th:  I'm thankful for long weekends, but I'm also thankful for the Monday after a long one because the kids can go back to school.
• November 6th:  I'm thankful for a relatively good and sound night of sleep.
• November 7th:  I'm thankful for my beautiful children.  Even on the days, like yesterday and today, they make me crazy.  Avery left some shoes outside Monday night & Cameron did last night.  They were both upset when the shoes were wet in the morning and they couldn't wear them.  But guess who they blamed for the shoes being outside?  That's right, me.  Kid logic never ceases to amaze me.  It's a good thing I love them.
• November 8th:  I'm thankful for those moments when you wake up in the middle of the night and you think it's time to get up, but then you look at the clock and discover you still have hours left to sleep.  Those moments are the best.
• November 9th:  I'm thankful for my brothers.
• November 10th:  I'm thankful for my parents.
• November 11th:  I'm thankful for warm blankets on cold nights and I'm thankful for a hot breakfast in the morning.
• November 12th:  I'm thankful for Ryan's comfy, long sleeve t-shirts.
• November 13th:  I'm thankful for the 30, or so, seconds after I finish cleaning my house, where my house stays clean before my family gets back to the business of messing it up.
• November 14th:  I'm thankful for my husband.  I love him.  Like, a whole bunch.
• November 15th:  I'm thankful I'm surrounded by such beautiful mountains.
• November 16th:  I'm thankful for friends.
• November 17th:  I'm thankful for uplifting words and music.
• November 18th:  I'm thankful for dates with my husband.
• November 19th:  I'm thankful for medical professionals.
• November 20th:  I'm thankful for all the ways I have available to me to stay connected to the world.
• November 21st:  I'm thankful for the convenience of grocery stores.  P.S. I'm also thankful for good convenience foods and headache medicines.
• November 22nd:  I'm thankful there's always room for improvement.  Happy Thanksgiving!
• November 23rd:  I'm thankful for cinnamon rolls.
• November 24th:  I'm thankful for my washer, dryer, iron & ironing board.
• November 25th:  I'm thankful for the moments when I can find beauty in unexpected and even downright strange places.  The diffused light that was coming in through the closed blinds of my office window looked peaceful, serene and just downright pretty this morning.
• November 26th:  I'm thankful that even on days I feel like a grump, all I have to do is look around me to see all the ways I am blessed and it can help to pull me out of a bad mood.  I'm very fortunate to have all I do and I should never take my life for granted.
• November 27th:  I'm thankful for Peyton's preschool.  I'm also thankful there was a teacher around to drag his kicking, screaming, ridiculous fit throwing little self into the school this morning.  Sometimes, that boy is such a monster.
• November 28th:  I'm thankful for the stars.  They were twinkling, sparkly and pretty when I put the dog out this morning.
• November 29th:  I'm thankful for health insurance?  And, yes, the question mark is there on purpose.  We had fantastic insurance for years and now we have some that, in my humble opinion, is just sort of so-so, but at least we have some.  Something is better than nothing.
• November 30th:  I'm thankful for Christmas decorations.  I'm really thankful that I have a pre-lit artificial tree that saves me lots of time.  And even thought it's artificial, it's still pretty to look at.
• December 2nd:  (One more for good measure!)  I'm very thankful I was able to send Cameron & Avery to school this morning.  They woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  I'm also thankful for my vacuum cleaner and Pledge.

I recently celebrated my 37th birthday.  I'm so happy to be an odd number age again.  :)  I thought I should jot down some thoughts like this and this again.  So, at 37 years old:

I've learned that having a thankful heart is absolutely vital and is directly related to whether or not you have a happy life.  You can become pretty miserable, pretty quickly if you always focus on the have nots.  Recognizing our blessings turns our hearts to Jesus Christ and that automatically turns us to love.  Love for life, family, ourselves and most importantly, others.  

Lofty

 Okay, it's time to admit to myself that accomplishing my 37 goals I hoped to accomplish before I turn 37, just isn't going to happen.  I knew when I made them that they were going to be tough, but I decided to go big.  I went a little too big.  I'm not necessarily unhappy with what I did accomplish, but do know I could have accomplished many, many more had I only applied myself.  I do want to look at the positive aspects of this and so I can say, if anything, I know how to structure the list in the future. 

For example:  I now have plenty to roll over to a list for the next year and I also know which ones I will delete.  There are quite a few that seemed like a good idea at the time I wrote them, but my total lack of desire to do them tells me that I will most likely never do them.  I need to set goals that I can maintain an excitement and enthusiasm for until they're completed.  I don't want to complete them simply because I feel like I have to.  I want to complete them because, well, I want to complete them.  Feeling like I have to complete them makes them feel like a chore, or that I'm being told what to do.  I think I've made it pretty clear how I react to being told what to do.  My stick it to the man instinct kicks in and I do the exact opposite of what I'm being told.  Even if I'm the one telling myself to do something.  It makes absolutely no sense to me either.

I'm satisfied with what I did and I look forward to constructing a much more manageable list for the next year.  (It's coming up faster than I care to admit, by the way.  I have a little over 2 months (crazy!)to come up with some good, manageable goals.)

If I Had A $1,000,000.00

If you don't know or recognize the name of this post, it's a song by The Barenaked Ladies and the blasted thing has been stuck in my head all this afternoon.  So, rather than fight it and try to purge the song from my brain, I'm going to go with it and think of what I would do I had $1,000,000.00.

Simple.  I would pay off my house.  I really don't think I would buy or build a new one.  I'm happy here and I don't see any reason to change because I firmly believe that a neighborhood can be anything you're willing to make it.  (My husband has a differing opinion on this.  Not the neighborhood being what you make of it part.  The wanting a new home part.  He dreams of new construction simply to have a basement with 9 foot ceilings.). I would stay right where I am, pay it off and then make all the improvements to it I dream about.  They would be:  ripping out the wall between my kitchen and dining room and creating an enormous kitchen and dining area.  I could care less about a formal dining room.  A family style, eat-in kitchen is just the thing for me.  A place where anyone and everyone feels welcome and comfortable.  I would go state of the art on everything and make it a total gourmet kitchen, too.  I would outfit it with all the appliances and gadgets I've ever wanted.  A cook's dream come true.  Ripping out the wall would mean that all the flooring on the entire main floor would have to be replaced.  No problem.  In fact, I would replace the flooring throughout the entire house.  Next would be the master bedroom and bathroom.  I would change the entire configuration to give us a bigger bathroom, create a dressing area/closet, etc.  I would change the exterior of the house.  I'm not exactly sure what I would do, but if I had a $1,000,000.00, my options wouldn't be limited.  I would finish the last dang strip of our driveway.  I would dig up all of the "grass", have a sprinkling system installed and start over with a professionally landscaped yard.

Next, I would buy a brand new car, of course.  Who wouldn't?  :) This is what I would buy.

I would pay off any and all debt we may have.

Finally, I would take my family on a couple of big trips and then save the rest for a rainy day.  That's really it.  Well, I may buy new wardrobes for my family, too.  Simply because it's fun to shop for clothes, but beyond that, that's all I can think of.  I have simple tastes and don't need a lot to be happy.  But an ultral fancy pants kitchen would be lots of fun and not make me unhappy.

Now, song, you are free to leave my head.

Working

After assessing my progress on my goals for the year, I realized that I haven't been doing enough work on them.  I came to the conclusion there was no flipping way I would accomplish even half if I didn't get my butt in gear. 

I decided to start working on #8.  (Clean out the toy room.)  I made it one of my goals because I want to move Peyton into it once it's done.  I started yesterday and worked for about about 5 hours ( HOLY CRAP!), but it's looking really good.  It's not done yet, but it's a million miles away from where it was.  I finished with 5 (kitchen size) bags of garbage.  Yes, 5!  That's actually kind of terrifying to me.  And I also ended up with 4 (kitchen size) bags of toys to donate.  YES!  Hooray for progress.  It makes me very happy.  The next step is to patch, sand and paint all of the walls Cameron decided to "decorate" when he was living in the room a few years ago.  Once that's done, Peyton can move in!  

Ramblings

• I'm feeling a little off kilter.  Out of sorts, really.  This mild winter has really messed up my internal clock/system and I don't like it.  In fact, you know what!  I'm feeling a little jipped.  I like it to be cold when it's supposed to be cold, i.e., winter.  And warm when it's supposed to me warm, i.e., spring.  I don't need it to be 60+ degrees in January.  I need it to be freeze your toes off cold so that I can appreciate the 60+ degrees come April.  Once April and "Spring" hits, I don't want to feel like I've been there and done that. 
• I feel like I need to apologize to my kids and I don't know why.  And I'm not sure if apologizing is what I really feel like I need to do.  I haven't been yelling excessively.  At least, I hope I haven't.  We seem to be getting along well, for the most part.  My "beast" days have been fairly few and far between.  Everyone has been getting fed.  Everyone has clean clothes to wear and shoes that fit.  Day to day life has been humming along just as it should.  But I guess what it maybe is, is that I feel like I haven't been doing "enough".   Like, we need more excitement, or something.  It's weird.  I'm going to blame my crazy thoughts on the crazy weather. 
• I'm making progress on my goals for this year.  Well, sort of.  I'm right on track to complete #2.  If my count is correct, I've read 11 books so far.  I've accomplished #4.  I'm making a daily, conscious effort to work on #7.  It's such a hard one for me because it's not something that comes to me naturally.  #9 is a work in progress.  Ummm...numbers 12 & 13 are kind of hit and miss.  16 is still a go!  I'm holding strong and my hair is a little past "medium" length now.  At least, that's what I would say.  I not only accomplished #21, I did it multiple times.  How was it, you ask?  Meh.  But I'll try to improve my attitude about them.  25 & 26 are fine.  And, hmmm....there's not really anything to report on the others.  I suppose I need to work harder. 
• My kids continue to defy me and grow bigger each day.  Tyler wore through a couple of pairs of pants and so I bought him more.  I bought a size bigger, thinking that he would need to roll the cuff up for a bit and could grow into them eventually.  Wrong!  They fit him just right.  Dang.  Cameron, oh, Cameron.  He's still the same old him, but he's turning into a slightly different him.  If that makes any sense.  He's maturing.  (In some ways.)  And he's funny.  Really, really funny.  Peyton seems to change and mature daily.  He is a toddler no more and forever.  Sad.
• And, a quote to sum up these pointless ramblings:  "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." - Epictetus  I am so grateful for all that I have!